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1.
A call comes in on Wednesday from a nameless but familiar New York number. Says "Hey kid, you around?" and the question is enough for me to tell. I reply that "I won't lie, I've been standing by expecting you to ask this. I've got nothing going on tonight, if you'd like I can meet you down at Patrick's." A block away I get your message warning me: "The place is pretty busy. There's karaoke queens and college kids all taking turns to yell. I'm already annoyed, take my advice and come in from the alley if you're hoping to avoid the sound of desperation mixed with Frankie Valli." I make my way round back to find an old friend and a conversation waiting. A Blue draft in a Bills glass, beside a shot of something bottom shelf. An awkward hug and handshake, a toast to our respective new beginnings. Along with all the mistakes that we've made since last Thanksgiving. We give ourselves the courtesy of skipping the unnecessary cliches by passing over pleasantries we're trained to use on everybody else. I'm more than well aware that you're not fine- you're defeated and complacent. But there's only so much time and it's something I'm not interested in wasting. "It's tough to come back home, it's tough to be alone down in the city. And these holiday reunions tend to take a toll upon my mental health. I've been spending so much time reliving memories that mostly feel distorted just to fabricate a life based on moments that the camera has recorded." "The truth is that I'm not alright and it's always getting harder to hold steady. I'm thinking I should go and see a doctor and that maybe it would help. I tell ya man, I'm scared as hell- I don't wanna become just a prescription. It's hard enough to be myself when people still assume that I'm a Christian." A shaky voice that cracks to say "I'm cracking up and I'm no good at faking or taking everything in stride to simply play the hand that I've been dealt. But everything's a joke and I don't think that I can take it any longer." I offer you a smoke, you offer me something a little stronger. We settle up the tab, and silently we stand in front of Patrick's. Nothing left to say, with nothing really said. An awkward hug and handshake concludes our night of mutual forgiving. I hope that we can grab a drink next year around Thanksgiving.
2.
This is Tom 02:01
They took my innocence now I’ve been proven guilty left with the consequence of life until the day it kills me. They told me all that I am is wrong they’ll fix me and then I will belong sincerely hope to see ya soon before the kid ya know is all but gone. P.S. this is Tom. My sin was difference for which they’ve tried to kill me and left with no defense I’m scared to death of what I will be. I’ve been here for what seems like forever I’m not well they’re gonna make me better I know it’s trite, but I miss our time together. This is Tom, and I hope ya get this letter.
3.
4.
Fine 01:26
So this is it I guess no future left unless I do what they suggest and learn to fall in line. I'll be a big success from back behind a desk and see that happiness is something that I'll find From giving it my best and dying to impress the men in suits who sign my checks I don't think I'll mind. I'll smoke my cigarettes and swallow my regrets with every drink 'til I forget that Everything is fine. Everything is fine. I will be just fine.
5.
Tom I ain't no Elvis, you can give it to me straight I haven't got the voice, the style, the smile or the grace But I've studied every line to find that my heart beats in time with Tupelo. I'm sorry if I've bothered you, I know it's very late And don't bother with compassion, there ain't nothing you could say to make me any more aware my life is best described as "East of Buffalo." Tom, I just don't know. Did getting out of New York leave you slightly less insane? Or did you find that almost everywhere is pretty much the same? Is "nothing left to lose" just an excuse for when you've got nothing to show? Tom, I swear to God I didn't call you to complain It's just the thought of losing everything, and losing it in vain Because it's hard enough to find somewhere to be, never mind a place to go. Tom, I just don't know. It's hard for me to talk to you this way No need to justify the choice you made But if times had got so tough, I was just hoping you'd explain why it was easier to stay than come back home. I thought that calling might be a mistake But I'm driving, trying hard to stay awake Through Cattaraugus County, when I swear to Christ they played '(Marie's the Name) His Latest Flame' on the radio. Well, Tom I guess there isn't that much more for me to say Nothing really happens so nothing's really changed I was hoping for an answer, but I guess I missed my chance some time ago. I'm sorry if my state of mind has gotten in the way I just needed to remind myself that someone felt the same If I need that reassurance, I've got your voice on the machine to tell me so. Tom, I just don't know.

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and I hope ya get this letter.

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released March 10, 2018

Written, performed, and recorded by Christian Matthew Kalweit

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Christian Matthew Elmira, New York

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